Perfect Timing

It's not something that I liked to talk about.  It's something I hid, avoided and tried to brush off.  While I don't know that I'm ready to go into every last detail, I will share a little with you now.

I have found out the hard way that the above statement is true.  "Faith in God includes faith in His timing."  Ever since Maci was born, I knew there was another baby waiting to join us.  It was a strong feeling.  Kyle wasn't so sure, but eventually he was on board, too.  So we decided to add another chubby little baby to our family.

But it didn't happen.

Let's fast forward a year of agonizing and wondering each and every month if this would be it, then crying myself to sleep when it wasn't.  "Fertility meds might help.  The lowest dose - try it for six months but I'll probably see you sooner when you're pregnant" my doctor said with a smile.

It didn't happen.

In the midst of that fell General Conference and President Uchtdorf's talk, Grateful in Any Circumstances.  I felt like it was just for me.  I needed to live with an attitude of gratitude.  It was definitely a difficult undertaking, but I could see a light.  I could be grateful for all of the things the Lord has blessed me with, be grateful for my two beautiful children, my loving husband and a life that I love.  I asked my dad for a blessing to help.  I didn't even tell him what for and he was probably really surprised, but I felt like I needed it yet I still wasn't ready to open up about it.  He gave the blessing and said I would have the opportunity to again be a mother.  Tears rolled down my face.  Still, I couldn't help but wonder, will I have that chance in this life or the next?

After Clomid (the fertility drug) didn't produce results for us, I decided to just relax.  To be grateful in my circumstances.  I needed to take the pressure and the heartache away from myself and leave it to Him.

In case you missed my last post, we had a busy summer.

Around week 2 (in the midst of Dad being in the hospital) we found out that this little peanut was coming...

In my heart, I was overjoyed.  But for some reason my head couldn't get that excited.  I'd been dealing with disappointment so long that I was just planning for more, maybe?  I could still have a miscarriage.  It didn't feel real.

Except for the sickness.  Not always in the morning, but pretty much every day I felt sick.  My other pregnancies were not like this, thus re-affirming to me that there might be something wrong and I would probably have a miscarriage.

Then I didn't.

 I have finally reached the second trimester and I'm feeling so much better.  Both in my head and my stomach.  And the feelings that have been in my heart the whole time are allowing themselves to pour out.  

I'm not sure why this baby waited to come until it did, but I have faith that it is in His perfect timing.